Romantic Comedies: A Blueprint

At some point in every person's life, they will think to themselves: "I want to write a romantic comedy, but where to begin?!" Fear not, dear friends, for I have taken the guess work out of the process. Here, in its entirety, is a can't fail blueprint on which to base your romantic comedy. I've included notes and commentary to illustrate certain aspects of the genre. Enjoy your millions!

"Prudence Greatperson (your characters' name must make a statement about said character's nature) has the world in her pocket: a great job, great friends and a great live-in boyfriend whom she is sure will propose at any minute(she's almost thirty, and her mom won't get off her about grandchildren! Mom's are sassy). On her way to the gym one day (she's in great shape, and she and her friends even do spin class!), she remembers that she forgot her iPod headphones (iPods are a girl's best friend) and decides to stop home to get them. Upon opening the door, Prudence sees her boyfriend in a very compromising position with Heather from accounting (you may change Heather's first name, but "from accounting" must always remain because it is a commentary on the segmentation of the American workplace). Needless to say, Prudence 's world falls apart. She's going to need the help of her female best friend Sasha (mildly-attractive-comedic-actress-who-seems-like-a-total-slut-but-is-really-just-unlucky-in-love-whose-ribald-dialogue-shows-that-girls-know-how-to-cut-loose-too) and her gay best friend Michael-pronounced Michelle (who at several points will comment on Prudence's fashion sense which sets up the "Outfits Montage" in which the phrase "Oh no, honey" will be overlayed over the song "Everybody Dance Now" or an equivalent upbeat groove)-in order to get her through it. Newly single and ready to mingle, Prudence goes to a dance club and meets a series of weird guys who are just ALL wrong, until she meets Sage Heartofgold. He's a real jerk, but she can tell that underneath that rough exterior is a great guy and a heart of gold. She doesn't want to seem desperate, so Prudence ignores Sage and tries to enjoy her night by having some drinks and cutting loose. Before she knows it, she has had TOO much to drink and is dancing very seductively on a pole (which is way out of character for her!). She looks longingly at Sage as she dances on the pole (even though the audience can tell she's never done this before!) and as she bends backwards, she falls down! She is very drunk (which is so unlike her) and when Sage comes to help her up, she throws up all over him. She starts crying (because she is so embarassed-she never gets this drunk!) and tries to apologize, but her makeup is smeared and there's little chunks of vomit in her hair. She normally is a very beautiful woman, but not tonight! Sage helps her to a cab (Sasha went home with some guy she met on the dance floor, that slut) and she wakes up with SUCH A HEADACHE! Oh man, she is never drinking again. She realizes she is late (because she is so hungover!) and rushes to work where she finds Sasha slumped over her desk and looking a hot mess. What a slut (but she's really a good friend). Sure that she will never see Sage again, she buries herself in her work (she's on the executive fast track and is a bit of a workaholic, girl power!) and of course goes to the gym to work out (fitness is very important in ____[generic metropolitan city]). After her work out she stops into a vintage book shop to browse the new arrivals (she owns many books, but hasn't had time to read them all because she works so hard!) and sees Sage enter the book shop. She tries to hide and backs her way down an aisle to keep out of sight, but wouldn't you know it, she backs right into Sage! Boy is she embarrassed, but she can tell his heart is pure gold (even though he's also very witty and rugged). He asks her to dinner and she says something about how she thinks she is free but will have to check (even though we ALL know she is free!) and then calls him five minutes after he leaves the store to let him know she can go. The hardest part of going on a date is picking out what to wear, so she enlist Sasha and Michael to help pick out the perfect dress (cue outfits montage). Sasha wants her to go with the low cut red dress (which is so inappropriate-she doesn't want him to think she's a slut! That's so Sasha) and many of Prudence's wardrobe items are seriously lacking, but luckily Michael has a trunk full of fancy women's clothes at his disposal and picks out several outfits for Prudence to try on ("Everybody Dance Now!"). Some of them are silly and Prudence comments as such ("I look like a rolled up piece of salami!") and some of them are just not her style ("Honey, that's a Giovanni Merdula 1997, there's no way you can pull that off!") until they arrive at the perfect outfit-a little black dress, not too low cut but not too cocktail party, black heels and some killer earrings. Michael is awestruck ("You look like I did the night of my senior prom!"). Sasha isn't left out in the cold either, as she gets to give Prudence just a little bit of cleavage ("Gotta introduce him to the girls!", but Prudence assures her "He won't be meeting the girls for a long time!" What a classic girl power moment!). When Sage arrives at the door, Sasha says "If you hurt her, I'll cut your balls off and feed them to you." Sage is taken aback, but the audience isn't, as they admire Sasha's protectiveness! When Sage sees Prudence, he says "Wow" to show that he is impressed by Prudence's look (much more impressed than when she threw up on him!) The date goes well (verrrry well) and Prudence thinks she's finally met a man who is worth a damn in this world. Cue dating montage (they are so in love!). Is this too good to be true? One day, Prudence finds Sage's rolodex and it's FILLED with numbers and descriptions of girls he's been with (some of them sex, others even more depraved acts that we won't actually find out, but we can imagine due to Prudence's gasp!). Sage walks in as she's studying the debaucherous catalog. She looks at him, tears streaming down her face, and says "Is that all women are to you?". He says "Prudence, please, let me explain...". "Don't bother. Men are all the same"(I'm sure some women in the audience will relate to THAT statement!) and storms out of the apartment. As soon as she is out of sight, she falls to her knees, sobbing. For the next several days, Sage leaves several voice mail messages ("Hi, Prudence, this is Sage...I know you can hear this, I just need to explain some things to you...call back...") but he HAD his chance. One morning she wakes up and opens the door to get the paper (in the movie world, people still read them!) and she's a small envelope with the words "Dear Prudence" written on the front. She opens the envelope and finds Sage's rolodex card containing her name. It says "Prudence Goodperson: 5'6" (all women are supposed to be 5'6"), flowing blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a kind soul. She's THE ONE." Prudence's heart sinks-in the hysteria that accompanied finding Sage's list of deeds, she had forgotten to look for her own name! Of course! He's made some mistakes in life but those days are behind him. He's ready to settle down and Prudence was the final notch on his bedpost of life. What a heart of gold! She rushes to find him, to apologize to him, to tell him she loves him too. She races to his office, only to be informed by his secretary, "Mr. Heartofgold has left for the airport. He leaves this evening for Africa, where he will cure AIDS for people with AIDS and build a thousand wells for the thirsty." Such a selfless deed! She must catch him before he leaves to tell him she'll wait for him! She tries to hail a taxi but they just speed on by (that's big city living for you!) and finally jumps out in front of one of them. The driver can tell by the look in her eyes she means business and steps on the gas. He weaves in and out of traffic, yelling in a stereotypical South Asian accent and using the phrase "Kwik-E-Mart", but boy can he drive! He arrives at the airport and she hurls way too much cash at him and yells "keep the change!". Because, again, South Asians are only identified as characters from "The Simpsons", cabbie yells "Thank you, come again!" (expect big laughs). Prudence runs straight through airport security, the alarm goes off but she keeps running. TSA officers yell "hey, stop!" but she's already at least five steps in front of them and they figure "I bet she just wants to tell somebody she loves them". "Now boarding, Flight 1784 to Africa" the loudspeaker bellows. Will she make it? Just as Sage is about to board his flight, he hears "SAGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!" Looks like everyone else heard it too, as the airport falls silent, and through the now still hustle and bustle he sees those beautiful blue eyes calling to him. She runs to him and says, "I thought you were a scoundrel, but you really do love me", to which Sage replies, "I've loved you since you vomited all over me" (now that's TRUE love!). They stare at each other intently, when suddenly an elderly black man with some sass yells, "What are you waiting for?! Kiss her already!" and they kiss. Everyone claps. Roll credits. (KT Tunstall Song)

There you have it: start to finish, the greatest romantic comedy of all time. You can't go wrong as long as you adhere to the blueprint. There are very few liberties you may take (and why would you want to?!), but if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Suddenly I see, this is who I want to be...why the hells it mean so much to me...